My 2010 has continued to stick with its new bipolar persona, too. Although, i must say, its hovering in the manic stage the past month. Which is absolutely fine with me.

January. First half, complete nightmare. Loads of family and friendship (and other ship) problems. Summation: Up shit creek without a paddle. Second half of it was great though: BDO, turned 21 the next day -seeing MUSE, live, front row has got to be the best damn present ever!- and Golden Key conference the week after, where i got to listen to many extraordinary people and meet some equally amazing ones too.

Feb. Much betterer. Been busy with organising GK UWS’ first social event of the year, Politics at the Pub. Honestly, stocked as hell. President has managed to nab some very high profile speakers, and the event is coming together much more clearly. Ive been looking at ways to get publicity/media coverage that it deserves. Am secretly hoping to get a photo somehow with the Hon. Bob Carr ( I mean, its BOB-freaking-CARR!!!).

Lately, I seem to be fixated on Pearl Jam’s “Black”. Don’t really want to delve into why im fixated. But if you’ve heard the song, you would have a fairly decent inkling.

For anyone who’s heard the song, you will understand when i say it stirs something within you. It’s the kind of song/music that feeds your soul i think. For me atleast.

Anyway, i was youtubing it today. I honestly can not fathom what kind of strength it took Eddie Vedder to actually perform this, given the topic and history. Though, he hasn’t actually spoken outwright about the song’s true meaning. I do remember reading an interview a few years back with him saying that its too personal and he will never comment on the real story/meaning behind it. (Note: 2:01-2:05 and changed last verse).

Post title lyrics: Black – Pearl Jam.

My 2010 has taken on a bipolar persona it blatantly, quite vehemently, appears. The days, minutes, seconds seem to range on a Likert Scale from -5: exceedingly shit-tastic, to +5: pretty good.

I hate this eastern ideology of parental ownership, where they think that until you are married and out of the house, they are in control of every decision, every second of their child’s existence. My problem: i am attending the Golden Key Asia-Pacific Conference, Jan 28, and had planned and booked a hotel room with a friend for the 3/4 nights (with mother’s approval). Which is all I really need. Then comes stepfather and his own control issues (perhaps related to deep seeded ego and inferiority and daddy-didnt-give-me-enough-hugs-as-a-child complex) and decides that no, i am not staying in the hotel becuase he just plain says so. Then mother rethinks her original decision.

Fark. the only thing this picture is missing is the days of our lives hooligans in the background of it all, engaging in ferocious stare-offs (im thinking the evil steffano vs roman vs marlena vs sami vs kate vs….)

What i wish to tell my (not so) dearly beloveds is that respect is a two-way street.

Do i sound angry? I should. Coz im Hulk-style angry.

Some days I just want out of here. pack my bags. go somewhere. Unfortunately, not enough rubbles for russia.

Sigh.

Post Title lyrics: “The Day That Never Comes” – Metallica

Happy New Year!!

im really hoping this year is A LOT better than the previous. oh nine, was not very fine.

lyrical genius, i know.

Resolutions.

To be honest, i don’t know if mine are resolutions or a to-do list. i think this year i just want to be more healthier (not necessarily be a skinny lollipop looking cow) (oh, the oxymoron!) and just try new things and be less afraid of being myself and going after what i want.

Also, i seem to have procured an obsession with finding a fine male physique that can crack walnuts with his nether region. the back one. This, i can somewhat disconcertingly blame on a puff piece aired on A Current Affair on Monday 28th December, 2009 (wow, feels quite long ago already). You see, they were spreading the word about raising money for, and supporting a charity org. through buying calenders. Did i mention these calenders were just full of naked firefighters? naked and ripped firefighters? If i remember correctly, the reporter said: “You can crack wallnuts on that arse“, and after an automatic (“that’s what she said”), i became obsessed with finding my very own. So does that count as a new years resolution?

oh, and get my L’s.

anyway, heres a pretty picture i found. i am obsessed with the colour red lately. i think im gonna be the lady in red at my 21st *ponders*

post title lyrics: “One Love” – David Guetta ft. Estelle

I can not not look at it from the other persons perspective. I mean, sure, they might be going through something, they might want to be left alone. Understandable. Been there, done that. But, call me selfish, surely there is somewhere within the roughly 86,400 seconds in the day there might be a couple of seconds that the person that I’ve been there for many times before could spare to reply to my text? Apparently not.

But it’s not even that that bugs/hurts/drains/frustrates/pisses-the-shit-out-of me the most. It’s the constant rejection of my offering to help. You think that maybe after a few years, And some rather special moments, we would be passed evasiveness. Apparently not.

No wait. What frustrates me the most is my offering to help, them rejecting me, then turning around and saying that I don’t know how unwell they’ve been lately because they’ve been hiding it from me… Um, What?!

I’m exhausted. I don’t know how much longer I can be there for someone who keeps giving mixed signals, keeps pushing me away.
Sigh. Maybe it’s time to cut losses again. I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how much I care about this person, and how much I Want to be there for them, there’s no point in me trying to be there for them anymore when it’s (quite apparently) meaningless to them.

Psychologist in me concurs. We’re all hedonic beings -we seek those things that are pleasurable and refrain from those that are not. With the amount I’m investing, I’m not getting anything even remotely favourable for my wellbeing. And I’m not a masochist.

I think it’s finally time to move on.

Post title lyrics – “Stay Away”, The Honorary Title.

Due to not-so-much unforseen circumstances (OH! my beloved universe), i have been living like a hermit and thinking about a lot of things the past few weeks – only occassionally (and by occassionally i mean weekly) coming out of my minefield looking abode to meet my good pal Melina, and getting up to our usual shenanigans.

Last friday was by far one of the best days ive had in a while (but i seem to say this every time i come back from a day out with Lina).

It was one of those days, where you’re just two simple girls living in a complicated world, sharing stories and engaging in moral dilemma’s and all sorts of D&M’s in a heated Japanese restaurant and starbucks looking from the condensationy  windows out into the cloudy, windy, rainy busy city streets. I think we spent 4 hours of that day in deep heated conversation and eating. it was great. i wish we had taken a photo that day, doh! =o(

Its almost christmas.

Almost Big Day Out time.

Almost 21st Birthday time.

Ive just finished making all of the invites for my roughly 108 guests to my “A Midsummer Masquerade” themed party. I’m quite excited as ive never thrown or hosted a party. should be interesting. My only concern: being too sore to walk in heels. or walk at all for that matter. Im going to BDO the day before (cue excited me running around screaming for Muse, Karnivool, The Mars Volta, Grinspoon, Kasabian, The Temper Trap, and Rise Against!!!) so naturally, i will be sore the next day. The question is, how sore?! Hmmm. Magic 8 Ball says “Maybe”. Hmm, thanks for that tremendous insight, bruh.

till next time, i wish all the people i love joyful and safe holidays xoxo

post title lyrics: “Citizen Erased”, Muse.

He could just be gone
He would just sail on
He’ll just sail on

How can I be lost,
If I’ve got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it’s got so cold?

How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it’s me I can’t forgive? “

- “The Unforgiven III”, Metallica.

bff arezo thinks i should post whatever i want. So here goes…

eyes closed, drifting back

awakened by a recurring yet familiar voice

a disheveled self

interrogated by a disembodied guide.

straightens up her dress,

what are you trying to hide?

with a run of cold sweat down her spine

a long awaited confession subsides.

i’m not ready for this yet,

i can’t do this again

He’s unlocking the door,

where the initial heartbreak began.

Holidays finally here after a long and treacherous and torturous and folly-filled, stress-encompassing, anxiety provoking and madness inducing, hysteria producing semester! interspersed with some really really ridiculously awesome moments too though . But,what with the millions of assessments due pretty much every week of the semester, and seriously obese up-tight, arrogant neuroscience professors who really need to get laid, and crazy nazi menopausal teachers who do not teach whats supposed to be taught and that also need to get laid. yeah, its been a tough one alrite.

Though, technically, folly and madness are pretty much synonymous.

This summer, i plan to get a job. Mostly to pay back  my brother. Again, i have managed to rake up a $495 bill *sigh*.

But most of all, i just want to live these holidays. i want to be able to wake up not worrying about which of my ridiculously expanding list of assessments is due. I want to sleep whenever, not just due to pulling an all nighter. I want to go out with my friends and try new things, catch up over lunches and dinners and reminisce about the stupid things we did, i want to explore new (local) terrains with my friends (coz im cheap like that), i want to get back into cooking and baking (coz im prematurely aging like that), to get back to learning Russian (coz im a nerd like that), i want to go shopping with my BFF for conference clothes for our golden key conference! i want to swim in the hotel pool at midnight (coz im girly girl like that), i want get healthier this summer and actually get back to working out (coz im deluded like that?). i want to figure out how to use this CSS blogging stuff and try out the new photoshop CS4 software my bro gave to me (coz im a geek like that) and i want to get working on renovating my room (coz im crafty like that).  i want to… yeah. you get the picture.

Also, looking forward and not-looking forward to turning 21. seems a bit too epic for my liking.

Origami Fun at Uni... as part of our group assignment believe it or not.

And who says TV isn’t educational?! My 6 year-old sister is proof it is quite educational indeed. Let me tell you a little (true) parable…

Mum: “i think i should stop eating as much, feels like i have stones or something in my stomache”

Sister: “Yeah, gallstones”

Mum & I: *flabbergasted* “What?! How do you know that?!”

Sister: ” I watch ‘Home’… I mean ‘House’ “

Mum & I: *quite stupefied*

Happy Tuesday & Happy Holidays to all xx =o)

post title lyrics: “All of the Dreamers” – Powderfinger.

Gazing, wondering,

If she makes one,

Will anyone hear her plight?

Knelt on her knees

Her breath leaves all but a whisper

Please bring me at ease

Oh, dear gatekeeper.

Tears shed,

Fall strong like kings

On a thunderous night

A song it sings.

A melody floats

Above her head

And all around

Her concrete bed

From between the silence,

Of hopes and dreams

From between the dissonance

Of wants and needs

A sensation is treading, gnawing, and spreading

Something crawls within the seams

She peeks behind

Two find the pristine glistening of two little wings

Feet depart the barren earth

She floats upward proud

And welcomes Hope

In the embrace of a silver lined cloud.

Forgetting all that’s been told and all that’s been said

In her life’s vagabond voyage

No longer feeling

The incorrigible dread.

Sometimes one person can make a difference.

Can’t sleep. Thought that creative pursuits might satisfy whatever it is im needing right now. i have a fair idea of who. i mean, what.

let me know what you think??

i think i may have gone a tad too cheesy. but my life is one big frikin cheeseball atm. like a cheeso ring. except they’re yummy. and fun.

Post title lyrics from AFI – “37mm”.

So. I have had a pretty stress inducing, thought provoking, arousing and joyful week. ive experienced some pretty ups and not so pretty downs this past week. have been trouble sleeping and/or staying asleep too.

uni. blast that word to hell, really.  Anyway, this week, i was so stressed out and seriously undermining myself as i had to think of a research proposal as part of my honours application due last friday (30th). I had some vague idea of wanting to do something with perfectionism and body image. its an issue close to my heart, as i was, and still am to a degree, one of those people battling it everyday. in secret. not so much now to whoever reads this. but thats the beauty of it, i guess. But as i said, ive only got a vague idea of what i want to do. im not even sure how to go about it or if theres anything else i should/could do. suggestions? But man was i peeved off and then relieved to find out that my application was not due then anyway. a MASSIVE phew.

a friend asked me recently if im afraid of death. i replied no. its true. im not an atheist, but i dont subscribe myself to religious subscriptions. i chose to believe the parts i want and discard what i think is BS, and nonchalantly believe that God still loves me either way. shouldn’t that be the way? i find that these rules just make people feel as though theyre receiving less out of life than they could/should – and for some, its true. yeah, i never was great with rules come to think of it. guess i didnt successfully solve phase two of freuds psychosexual developmental stages. My point is, people should just be able to live and feel the way they want to, unrestricted, unbound. otherwise, whose life are they really living?! how can one truly self-actualise?

its a bit of a downer compared to the previous posts, yeah? its not meant to be, just reflecting i guess.

Thank [equivalent of]god for friends! had a blast with my bff arezo on thursday. caught up over coffee and cake, then watched Mao’s Last Dancer, which was pretty good. we’ve been quoting quite alot actually. favourite one?

Liz: you do know what sex is right?

Li: Yes. *methodically counts on hand* 1, 2, 3, 4, 5..

I really want to read the book. oooh and we finished the night with pancakes! we had so much coffee and cake tho, we could barely eat half of it. and this was the end result:

Friday was a blast as well. is it possible to have two extrememely good days back to back?! i guess so. even though on the way home i was fearing contact with my brother, i got a message from optus that the bill was $430 bux again, only to find out it was his fault hehe. I need to save $400 for Golden Key conference!!! gah! My two bests gave me the perfect way to end the working week, and im grateful. i think everyone should have atleast one of these type of friends. they’re definitely keepers. and they do exactly all of the way above (read: post title). Actually, if it weren’t for my dear Arezo, id still be stuck in my shell! i wish thats why my grandad nicknamed me “turtle”, but no, it was coz i was so fat as a little toddler, that you know, i moved very slowly …whenever i did move

todays title (every blog title so far are lyrics, intend on keeping with the theme because music never ceases to play a pivotal role in my life) is from Sia – “Breathe Me”.