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everything i love has gone away.

March 17, 2010

-Jack Savoretti, “A Stranger”.

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tattooed all i see, all that i am, all i’ll be.

February 26, 2010

Hmm its been a while since my last post. And what a post that was. A rant to rival Sarena Williams, i’m sure. But i sit here in a better state of mind, most definitely more wise.

My 2010 has continued to stick with its new bipolar persona, too. Although, i must say, its hovering in the manic stage the past month. Which is absolutely fine with me.

January. First half, complete nightmare. Loads of family and friendship (and other ship) problems. Summation: Up shit creek without a paddle. Second half of it was great though: BDO, turned 21 the next day -seeing MUSE, live, front row has got to be the best damn present ever!- and Golden Key conference the week after, where i got to listen to many extraordinary people and meet some equally amazing ones too.

Feb. Much betterer. Been busy with organising GK UWS’ first social event of the year, Politics at the Pub. Honestly, stocked as hell. President has managed to nab some very high profile speakers, and the event is coming together much more clearly. Ive been looking at ways to get publicity/media coverage that it deserves. Am secretly hoping to get a photo somehow with the Hon. Bob Carr ( I mean, its BOB-freaking-CARR!!!).

Lately, I seem to be fixated on Pearl Jam’s “Black”. Don’t really want to delve into why im fixated. But if you’ve heard the song, you would have a fairly decent inkling.

For anyone who’s heard the song, you will understand when i say it stirs something within you. It’s the kind of song/music that feeds your soul i think. For me atleast.

Anyway, i was youtubing it today. I honestly can not fathom what kind of strength it took Eddie Vedder to actually perform this, given the topic and history. Though, he hasn’t actually spoken outwright about the song’s true meaning. I do remember reading an interview a few years back with him saying that its too personal and he will never comment on the real story/meaning behind it. (Note: 2:01-2:05 and changed last verse).

Post title lyrics: Black – Pearl Jam.

waiting for the one, the day that never comes.

January 14, 2010

sigh.

My 2010 has taken on a bipolar persona it blatantly, quite vehemently, appears. The days, minutes, seconds seem to range on a Likert Scale from -5: exceedingly shit-tastic, to +5: pretty good.

I hate this eastern ideology of parental ownership, where they think that until you are married and out of the house, they are in control of every decision, every second of their child’s existence. My problem: i am attending the Golden Key Asia-Pacific Conference, Jan 28, and had planned and booked a hotel room with a friend for the 3/4 nights (with mother’s approval). Which is all I really need. Then comes stepfather and his own control issues (perhaps related to deep seeded ego and inferiority and daddy-didnt-give-me-enough-hugs-as-a-child complex) and decides that no, i am not staying in the hotel becuase he just plain says so. Then mother rethinks her original decision.

Fark. the only thing this picture is missing is the days of our lives hooligans in the background of it all, engaging in ferocious stare-offs (im thinking the evil steffano vs roman vs marlena vs sami vs kate vs….)

What i wish to tell my (not so) dearly beloveds is that respect is a two-way street.

Do i sound angry? I should. Coz im Hulk-style angry.

Some days I just want out of here. pack my bags. go somewhere. Unfortunately, not enough rubbles for russia.

Sigh.

Post Title lyrics: “The Day That Never Comes” – Metallica

One Love.

January 1, 2010

Happy New Year!!

im really hoping this year is A LOT better than the previous. oh nine, was not very fine.

lyrical genius, i know.

Resolutions.

To be honest, i don’t know if mine are resolutions or a to-do list. i think this year i just want to be more healthier (not necessarily be a skinny lollipop looking cow) (oh, the oxymoron!) and just try new things and be less afraid of being myself and going after what i want.

Also, i seem to have procured an obsession with finding a fine male physique that can crack walnuts with his nether region. the back one. This, i can somewhat disconcertingly blame on a puff piece aired on A Current Affair on Monday 28th December, 2009 (wow, feels quite long ago already). You see, they were spreading the word about raising money for, and supporting a charity org. through buying calenders. Did i mention these calenders were just full of naked firefighters? naked and ripped firefighters? If i remember correctly, the reporter said: “You can crack wallnuts on that arse“, and after an automatic (“that’s what she said”), i became obsessed with finding my very own. So does that count as a new years resolution?

oh, and get my L’s.

anyway, heres a pretty picture i found. i am obsessed with the colour red lately. i think im gonna be the lady in red at my 21st *ponders*

post title lyrics: “One Love” – David Guetta ft. Estelle

seperate yourself, from what compels…

December 27, 2009

Blergh.
I don’t know why I bother with some people, you know? you invest so much time, energy -yourself- on them (I’m talking many years), you would think they would realise that “hey, they’ve managed to put up with my shit for so long, maybe, just maybe, I can count on them”. Apparently not.

I can not not look at it from the other persons perspective. I mean, sure, they might be going through something, they might want to be left alone. Understandable. Been there, done that. But, call me selfish, surely there is somewhere within the roughly 86,400 seconds in the day there might be a couple of seconds that the person that I’ve been there for many times before could spare to reply to my text? Apparently not.

But it’s not even that that bugs/hurts/drains/frustrates/pisses-the-shit-out-of me the most. It’s the constant rejection of my offering to help. You think that maybe after a few years, And some rather special moments, we would be passed evasiveness. Apparently not.

No wait. What frustrates me the most is my offering to help, them rejecting me, then turning around and saying that I don’t know how unwell they’ve been lately because they’ve been hiding it from me… Um, What?!

I’m exhausted. I don’t know how much longer I can be there for someone who keeps giving mixed signals, keeps pushing me away.
Sigh. Maybe it’s time to cut losses again. I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how much I care about this person, and how much I Want to be there for them, there’s no point in me trying to be there for them anymore when it’s (quite apparently) meaningless to them.

Psychologist in me concurs. We’re all hedonic beings -we seek those things that are pleasurable and refrain from those that are not. With the amount I’m investing, I’m not getting anything even remotely favourable for my wellbeing. And I’m not a masochist.

I think it’s finally time to move on.

Post title lyrics – “Stay Away”, The Honorary Title.

And I’ve Seen, All I’ll Ever Need.

December 21, 2009

It sure has been a while.

Due to not-so-much unforseen circumstances (OH! my beloved universe), i have been living like a hermit and thinking about a lot of things the past few weeks – only occassionally (and by occassionally i mean weekly) coming out of my minefield looking abode to meet my good pal Melina, and getting up to our usual shenanigans.

Last friday was by far one of the best days ive had in a while (but i seem to say this every time i come back from a day out with Lina).

It was one of those days, where you’re just two simple girls living in a complicated world, sharing stories and engaging in moral dilemma’s and all sorts of D&M’s in a heated Japanese restaurant and starbucks looking from the condensationy  windows out into the cloudy, windy, rainy busy city streets. I think we spent 4 hours of that day in deep heated conversation and eating. it was great. i wish we had taken a photo that day, doh! =o(

Its almost christmas.

Almost Big Day Out time.

Almost 21st Birthday time.

Ive just finished making all of the invites for my roughly 108 guests to my “A Midsummer Masquerade” themed party. I’m quite excited as ive never thrown or hosted a party. should be interesting. My only concern: being too sore to walk in heels. or walk at all for that matter. Im going to BDO the day before (cue excited me running around screaming for Muse, Karnivool, The Mars Volta, Grinspoon, Kasabian, The Temper Trap, and Rise Against!!!) so naturally, i will be sore the next day. The question is, how sore?! Hmmm. Magic 8 Ball says “Maybe”. Hmm, thanks for that tremendous insight, bruh.

till next time, i wish all the people i love joyful and safe holidays xoxo

post title lyrics: “Citizen Erased”, Muse.

search for seas of gold.

November 27, 2009

“Was he the one causing pain
With his careless dreaming?
Been afraid
Always afraid
Of the things he’s feeling

He could just be gone
He would just sail on
He’ll just sail on

How can I be lost,
If I’ve got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it’s got so cold?

How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it’s me I can’t forgive? “

– “The Unforgiven III”, Metallica.

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